"CiCi Says"

Peace vs. Perfection

2012-01-08T23:21:00.000-08:00

We experience numerous disappointments each and every day. Our expectations go unmet, our plans are blocked by circumstance, our wishes go unfulfilled, and we discover that our lives are subject to a myriad of forces beyond our conscious control. In some cases, our response is powerful because we must invest ourselves and our resources to overcome genuine hardship. In others, our reactions are far more passionate than our circumstances likely warrant. The tension that permeates our bodies and minds when we are late for an event, interrupted at work, or sitting in traffic is not inappropriate, but it can interfere with our well-being in profound ways. When we stop worrying about relatively unimportant matters, we can be at peace and devote so much more of ourselves to what is truly important. The small frustrations and irritations wield such power over us because they rob us of the illusion of control. But every problem is a potential teacher—a confusing situation is an opportunity to practice mindfulness, and difficult people provide us with opportunities to display compassion. There is a natural human tendency to invest copious amounts of emotional energy in minor dilemmas and frustrations in order to avoid confronting those more complex issues that are largely outside the realm of our control. The intensity of our response provides us with a temporary sense of personal power that helps us cope with challenges that might otherwise overwhelm us. But it is only when we let the little stuff go that we discover that the big stuff is not really so devastating after all.

In the stress of a singularly tense incident, differentiating between an inconsequential annoyance and a legitimate challenge can seem a monumental task. Ask yourself whether the emotions you are feeling will be as vivid in a year, a day, or even an hour. As focused as you are on this moment in time, your reward for letting go of your emotional investment may be the very happiness and harmony of being whose loss you are lamenting. Needless aggravation is seldom worth the cost it exacts. You cannot distance yourself from life's inconsistencies, irritations, and upheavals, but you can relinquish your desire for perfect order and gain peace of mind in the process.

10 Steps To Succeed In Your Business

2011-07-13T08:32:00.000-07:00

Every year thousands of men and women across America start a home based business, hoping to make money for new car, a vacation, or some new clothes. They sell a little merchandise to a few relatives and close friends. Then they are through. They quit before they give themselves a
chance to learn the basics of success in business. "I am simply not a born business-person!", they often say.

No one is born a businessperson; any more than one is born a doctor or born a lawyer. To be successful in any profession you must learn not only the basic techniques, but also how to apply those techniques. Success on the Internet makes use of all the abilities one is born with, plus all those acquired through education and experience.

If you are looking for a career opportunity or "extra income" to help with the family budget, Internet marketing offers you dream-fulfilling possibilities. However, you must give yourself time to learn the techniques of Internet marketing. Ask yourself. "How long does a doctor study, to become a doctor? A lawyer to become a lawyer?"

There is an old adage, which says "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime."

The rewards of owning your own home-based business are many:

1. You can be your own boss.
2. You can set your own hours.
3. You can own your own businesses with little or no investment.
4. You can pay yourself more than any boss would ever pay you.
5. You can give yourself regular raises as your business grows.

It is only fair to tell you that there are failures, too. There are people who will not work for themselves. When working for a boss, they rise early, are well groomed, and get to the office on time. However, when they are their own boss, they are still in a bathrobe, drinking one more cups of coffee at 11:00 A.M.

If you can be your own boss and discipline yourself to do what has to be done when it has to be done, Internet marketing offers a most unusual earning opportunity.

THE TEN STEPS

Here are ten steps that will assure your success:

BE A GOAL SETTER. What do you want to accomplish? Do you want to save for college education for your children? A new car? A new home? A better life? You can have whatever you want, but you must want it enough to do the things that have to be done to get it. Whatever your goal, write it down and set a target date for reaching it. Divide the time period into blocks of achievement that are reachable. Work consistently toward accomplishing each day, each week, each month what you set out to do. Goal setting is a must in every area of life. Little is ever accomplished without definite goals.

2. BE ORGANIZED. Each evening list all the things you want to get done the following day. That gives you an organized approach to each day. As each task is finished, mark it off your list. It is amazing how much gets done when one works with a "things-to- do" list. Today a friend of mine, Steve, told me that one of the things he does with his "to do" list is to tackle the toughest things first in the morning. "By facing, and doing the most difficult tasks on my list first, I not only take care of them early when I am fresh, but by getting them off my list I free myself up emotionally. Putting them off until the last on the list wears on me for the entire day," says Steve.

Also, have a notebook, hand held palm device or contact software listing appointments, potential clients, repeat clients, and referrals, and keep it up to date at all times. You will be adding to it constantly.

3. BE ENTHUSIASTIC. Enthusiasm is the high-octane "fuel" that salespeople run on. Enthusiasm generates its own energy. Energy and good health are synonymous with busy, happy people, people who are achieving.

4. RECOGNIZE THAT THE MAGIC WORD IN BUSINESS IS "ASK." In Internet marketing you don't have to wait for business to come to you. You create your own business by asking for it. Ask for business, and then you will close sales. Ask for referrals, and then you always have a full list of potential clients. Be quietly, yet firmly aggressive.

5. EXPECT NO'S. Realize that no's are not personal. In business, as perhaps nowhere else, the law of averages work. Every no gets you closer to a yes. Keep track of your ratio. It will help improve your techniques. Are you getting ten no's to one yes? Is your ratio five to one? Remember, the yes's are your income. Also remember that "no" does not necessarily mean "no." Often a "no" is simply a stall for more time to think. It may be a request for more information about your product or your service. What your client is actually buying is assurance. Assure her/him by your helpful attitude and your complete honesty, that you want what is best for her/him. She/he will most likely respect you and do business with you.

6. SCHEDULE TIME WISELY. A schedule is the road map by which good businesses travel. It takes the frustration out of the day. It assures that the necessary things get done and get done on time. Plan your work then work your plan.

7. BE POSITIVE IN YOUR ATTITUDE. Success in business, as in all areas of life is 90 percent attitude and 10 percent aptitude. All of us must work at developing habits of constructive thinking. Be proud to be in your own business. Small businesses make the wheels of our economy turn.

8. HAVE AN OFFICE AREA. Internet marketers work from their own homes, but it is essential to have a place where you can work in a organized and efficient manner. An office plus a strict working schedule gives you dignity. Both are absolutely essential for efficient operation and accurate record keeping, so important to the success of any business.

I work out of my home and have two children. Certain “rules” are established and often repeatedly taught. One is that if Mommy is on the phone there can be NO interruptions unless there is blood or fire involved—and sometimes it even works! My girlfriend has a red baseball hat. She puts it on when she is ready to start her workday. Her children know that if mommy has on the red hat, she’s not home so to speak. She is at work. You determine what works for you and your family… then stick with it!

9. BE INVOLVED. Both in online communities and offline in your local community. Know what's going on and what's current in your field. Be a part of what's going on and network with other's in your field.

10. LEARN TO HANDLE MONEY INTELLIGENTLY. A regular nine-to-five job usually means a paycheck at the end of the second week. In your own business you will handle money constantly. Internet marketing is instant income and constant income. Therefore, it is absolutely necessary to become an efficient money manager.

Deposit every penny collected from clients into a checking account set up especially for its business. Since bank statements show an exact record of all monies collected, and business expenses can be verified by canceled checks, record keeping becomes simple and accurate. Everything except a few "petty cash" transactions can be directly taken from bank statements.

Money saved regularly and put at interest, soon develops a second income in addition to earned income. A long-term goal, which is realistic, is to be able to live in retirement off the interest earned on savings.

Would financial security mean a lot to you? If so, ask yourself these questions:

* Am I honest?
* Do I really like people?
* Am I willing to learn?
* Am I willing to work?
* Am I capable of being my own boss?

If your answers are yes, find a good product and a good company, one that you like, one that fills the need of a lot of people, and go to work for yourself! You can turn dreams into reality.

DREAM BIG!

© Cynthia Stewart is an international speaker and the author of many books, which include Dream Big! and Creating Wealth on The Web. Through many challenges that she has fought and won, Cynthia knows first-hand how to dream big and has dedicated her life to empower other’s to stand-up, step-out, and reach their dreams. She can be reached at www.CynthiaStewart.com

PLEASE REFER THIS NEWSLETTER
Thank you for your efforts. Let’s begin today to help a 10,000 more! Please forward this newsletter in its entirety to all you know who could benefit and encourage them to sign up! Subscribe to cynthia@cynthiastewart.com, with "subscribe dream big" in the subject.

May good fortune smile on you today!

I Know Only a Little

2011-03-15T18:31:00.000-07:00

Rain is falling in thick sheets, plummeting the roof and sliding down windows. It’s been raining for 48 hours without stopping. The streets in town are overflowing and even here, outside of town on my perch the water is gushing out of drain pipes and washing away red earth.

In my quiet afternoon I began a sorting and sifting of files on my computer and ran across something I’d written three years ago. I thought I’d post it here.

March 2008
I’ve been searching my heart in a sincere attempt to get clear on what is real for me, what I want, and considering re-writing my own personal bucket list. Maybe it's because I woke at 3 am and couldn't get back to sleep, or maybe it is because spring is coming, or because the red-tail hawks will be up in an hour, or because tangerines are on sale at Safeway. Whatever the reason, I'm feeling sentimental and warm.

I realize I know only a little, and even that is subject to change. I'm convinced that the Buddha is right when he says that suffering comes from desire and aversion. Running for something, having to have it – and running away from something in an oh-my-god-don't-let-that-happen-to-me way. Of course both are natural occurrences in our minds, so they aren't evil or bad, per se. Nor can we eliminate them entirely. Even if my desire is to have no desires - isn't that a desire as well? The key, in my humble opinion, is not to get attached to either. Of course I want x thing in my life, and of course I would rather not have xy thing! But to think that my well-being is dependent on having or not having them in my life will bring all kinds of continual dis-ease.

Ok, that's my set-up – and here are the things I want in my life.

Ready? Set. Go!

I want an open heart--open to exploring all of those things that I've spent so long either (rather) mindlessly accepting or prejudicially rejecting or oblivious to, to begin with. Open to the truth that I feel I've kept at bay by being so damn sure of myself about "the way things are,” because as things turned out, they weren’t! I want my heart to be open to people, to everyone. To those closest to me – the easiest – but also to those whom I find unsavory for some reason. An open heart leads to…

Peace. To really get it, deep down, that there is pain and there is pleasure and that my center, my core is not affected by whitecaps on the surface of the sea. Both the calm and the storms are inevitable and they will pass, and then they will come again, and pass, ad infinitum – ad morte. Deep, lasting, abiding peace that is unshaken, but not untouched by, what life brings. Which leads to…

Happiness. Joy de vivre! To laugh, to love, to play, to dance, to live! I want to revel in the sunshine of a spring morning, to drink in the profound mystery of a life seen through the eyes of a child, everyday… to smile 'til my face hurts, to laugh until I lay on the ground holding my stomach while tears roll down my cheeks. I want to be the life of my own party! And all of these lead to…

Love. I want to be a lover. I want my children to know the depths that I love them, that I love them not in some maudlin way, but that I'm there for them at every turn in the road to support them... To know that they are loved deeply, intensely, fully – and that this will never change. Ever. I want my friends to know they can count on me. I want my lover to know that he is cherished, treasured, supported, and honored… and seen with twinkling eyes that see only him – and no other.

I want a home on a little land in the foothills and maybe another in Milan, or a flat in the city, or an island in the middle of nowhere. A place all the kids and grandkids will come home to on holidays—laughing and telling stories on the porch while the children climb trees, a fat cat sunning on a summer afternoon, a warm kitchen with inviting smells where the coffee is on and friends stop in for a visit (and maybe a bit of gossip) on a summer Sunday morning. I want the swing set in the yard to have been built by my own hands, waiting for when the grandkids come to play in the sun.

I want to travel and experience new places, people, and things. I want a life that fulfills, enriches, and helps. I want enough money to be comfortable, and not so much that I get too comfortable! I want to write another book, maybe ten… and a movie or two. I want to be so healthy I glow 'til I'm 90 – maybe 95! And I want to make love to my sweetheart, until the moment I die.

I want to feel the sunrise, to experience the rain, to hear the river, to know the earth. I want to learn, to read, to listen, to know, to never complete my education. I want a good book on the porch at sunset, warm breezes and bird-songs and red-tail hawk’s cry as my companions; but not my only ones.

I want a companion, a life partner. To have that special and enigmatic bond that unites two people in a relationship that fulfills, strengthens, thrills. I want to adore, and to be adored. I want to know him and to be known by him. I want my heart to skip a beat when I see him enter a room. I want to bring him coffee in bed, to make love 'til we sweat, to hold each other 'til we sleep, and to wake up knowing it isn't a dream. I want to experience life with him and to never stop growing individually, and together. I want to dance in the kitchen and lay in bed at night, skin-to-skin, watching a lightening storm together. I want to be able to count on him and him to be able to count on me, to know the depth of his stability, his loyalty, his love… and to rest in that.

Some of these are a part of my life now. Others I'm moving towards, and still others seem a distant dream. And now I've opened myself in a way that challenges my fear of being vulnerable. So I should add…I want to be vulnerable without fear. That one may take awhile!
And finally…I want to know more about the people in my life, my community. I'd like to know about their dreams, desires, fantasies, goals, more about the things that are important to them. I’d like to know what keeps them awake at night and what wakes them in the morning. I’d like to know what they think of when they don’t have to think and what secrets they don’t want to tell. I want to experience them, fully.

That is, if they don’t mind.

© Cynthia Stewart

Time

2010-12-21T16:02:00.001-08:00

(the story below was a comment in “The fisherman and the businessman” by Benseddik. I liked it so much that I decided to post it)

A man came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year-old son waiting for him at the door.
“Daddy, may I ask you a question?”
“Yeah, sure, what is it?” replied the man.
“Daddy, how much money do you make an hour?
“That’s none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?” the man said angrily.

“I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?” pleaded the little boy.
“If you must know, I make $20.00 an hour.”
“Oh,” the little boy replied, head bowed. Looking up, he said, “Daddy, may I borrow $10.00 please?”

The father was furious. “If the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. I work long, hard hours everyday and don’t have time for such childish games.”
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boy’s questioning. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son. Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $10.00, and he really didn’t ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.
“Are you asleep son?” he asked.
“No daddy, I’m awake,” replied the boy.

“I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier,” said the man. “It’s been a long day and I took my aggravation out on you. Here’s that $10.00 you asked for.”
The little boy sat straight up, beaming. “Oh, thank you daddy!” he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled up bills.
The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man.

“Why did you want more money if you already had some?” the father grumbled.
“Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied.

“Daddy, I have $20.00 now. Can I buy an hour of your time?”

Stepping Back

2010-11-01T10:29:00.000-07:00

Life is busy for most people these days. It's easy to get your nose stuck to the ground and only pay attention to what's directly in front of you. I find this especially true when the world is making hundreds of demands on me and there is no time to stop and assess where I'm going with all this rushing and doing. It's times like these when I find it especially important to STOP and STEP BACK!

The delusions of urgency that grip so many humans can prevent us from looking forward, from taking a moment to breathe, and to look into the future and consider the consequences of our present decisions and actions. Yes, I believe like many of you, we only can live in the "now", in the present moment; and yes, it is good to live in the present, yet at the same time it can be equally important to see what lies ahead and set your sights accordingly.

My good friend in Santa Barbara, Renee, once told me, "Put your hands up in front of your face. What do you see?"

"My hands," I replied.

"Ok, now move your hands 6 inches away from your face and tell me what you see," Renee said.

"Well, I can see a little bit of the room, especially in my peripheral vision," I said.

Renee said, "Good, now move your hands out as far away from your body as possible. What do you see now?"

I replied, "I see the wall, the door, couch, painting on the wall, my dog, and you."

With this simple exercise she showed me I was too focused on the problem and perhaps I needed to step back away from the 'thing' I was looking at in order to see the bigger picture. She taught me that if my focus was directly on the 'issue at hand' and not on the whole story, I might miss the opportunity to see what was right in front of me. I've repeatedly found this to be true.

Although few of us can predict the future with any absolute certainty, we can see with greater clarity what lies ahead. I recommend taking a few moments everyday to pause, with intention, and step back a bit and look forward. It's only when we stop and look beyond what is directly in front of us that we can get a glimpse of what's to come. Then we can set our intentions and organize our plans in accordance with what is ahead.

May we all have clearer vision!

CiCi
www.cynthiastewart.com

Falling In Place

2010-07-01T16:16:00.000-07:00

Things falling apart was the beginning...of them falling together. For me, at least. Out of a desperate place in which I could not breathe, I realized that breathing was all I could do. Only that. It was not "one day at a time," it was one breath at a time. The pain was so great that I could not bear it, so I stopped trying to. It was in this place that I found peace. Not in knowing what to do, but in not knowing.

A learned man came to a wise master and said, "I think I have a handle on most things, but someone suggested you might add to my knowledge, so what can you teach me?" The wise man said nothing as he began to pour tea into the man's cup. He poured until the cup was full and continued as it overflowed onto the floor. The man said, "Stop! My cup is too full!" At which point the master smiled, and said, "That is right. Like your cup, your mind is too full. Empty your cup, then come back for the teaching."

In "Who Dies," Stephen Levine writes, "Out of the desperation of 'what do I do now?' may come the answer. Because, perhaps, for once there is no quick resolution. At last we don't know. We've known so much for so long that the space in which the truth might spontaneously arise has become too full. There is little room for our true nature...It is in this open, choice-less investigation of the truth that reality presents itself."

I am so relieved that, once again in my life, I don't know. The truth is right in front of me, and it does not consist of a litany of mental processes leading to hard and fast conclusions, opinions, and preferences. The truth is that the truth is not one way or another. I struggle now, but not to get (or to keep) things together. Instead, having allowed things to fall apart, I struggle not to try and get them together again. Trusting they will come, or fall, where they are supposed to… either fall together, or fall apart.

© Cynthia Stewart

A Story of Mother... from a son

2010-05-09T09:28:00.000-07:00

Like No Other
Originally uploaded by CiCi Stewart

A Story of Mother... from a son
After 21 years of marriage, I discovered a new way of keeping alive the spark of love. A little while ago I had started to go out with another woman. It was really my wife's idea. "I know that you love her," she said one day, taking me by surprise. "But I love YOU," I protested. "I know, but you also love her."

The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my mother, who has been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my three children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally. That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie.

"What's wrong, are you well," she asked? My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news.

"I thought that it would be pleasant to pass some time with you," I responded "Just the two of us." She thought about it for a moment, and then said, "I would like that very much." That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the door with her coat on. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding anniversary.

She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel's. "I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed," she said, as she got into the car. "They can't wait to hear about our meeting". We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entrees, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips.

"It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small," she
said. "Then it's time that you relax and let me return the favor," I responded. During the dinner we had an agreeable conversation –nothing extraordinary - but catching up on recent events of each others life. We talked so much that we missed the movie. As we arrived at her house later, she said, "I'll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you". I agreed.

"How was your dinner date?" asked my wife when I got home. "Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined," I answered. A few days later my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn't have a chance to do anything for her.

Some time later I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place mother and I had dined. An attached note said: "I paid this bill in advance. I was almost sure that I couldn't be there but, nevertheless I paid for two plates – one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you."

At that moment I understood the importance of saying, in time: "I LOVE YOU" and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is more important than God and your family. Give them the time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off till "some other time".

Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby ...somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, "normal", is history.

Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct ...somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.

Somebody said being a mother is boring… somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.

Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn out good"...somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.

Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices… somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window.

Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother ...somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math.

Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much as you love the first ...somebody doesn't have five children.

Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books ...somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose or in his ears.

Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery ...somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten ... or on a plane headed for military "boot camp"

Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back ...somebody never organized seven giggling Brownies to sell cookies.

Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married ...somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.

Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home ...somebody never had grandchildren.

Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her ....somebody isn't a mother.

Pass this along to all the "mothers" in your life.

Where Is Heaven?

2010-03-11T10:52:00.000-08:00

Conversations Near Midnight

“Grandma, where is grandpa?

“Honey, he died.”

“Where is he?”

“I’m not sure but I think he’s probably in heaven.”

“Yeah, that sounds right.”

“Grandma, where is heaven?”

“Honey, I don’t know for sure.”

“It must be really far.”

The wisdom of a three-year-old.

NEW BEGINNINGS

2010-02-19T10:59:00.001-08:00

STARTING OVER

My "starting over" time was in January--a perfect time for new beginnings don't you agree? A time when most of us start new diets, join the gym, write a new goal list, and so on. New beginnings, fresh, exciting—a great time to begin again. I spent this past New Year’s Day in my new (old) home which sits on its own little perch in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. I just moved home after I lost it to a fire almost 2 1/2 years ago; but that is a story for another time... Today I'd like to talk about starting over and jumping off places. This part of my journey began in 2001 and it has been quite a ride! I found Nevada county early that spring and in spite of driving home on Hwy 49 in a rain storm that rendered me almost blind behind the wheel I couldn't wait to get back up here!! I spent that spring finding any excuse to return and would often drive up alone just to sit by the Yuba and dream... But I couldn't quite imagine how people lived up here. I was completely rooted in my life down the hill. Great job with PBS television, third book just hitting the bookshelves, 18 years of community involvement and relationships. Yet, something in the deepest (and unexplainable) part of my soul kept pulling me up the hill. There just had to be a way for me...

I spent the rest of that spring dreaming about it and the entire summer looking for a place that made sense with my list of requirements. I'd been raising my 5 children alone since my husband's death in 1995 and I still had two young children at home. They were my priority and of course, one of them didn't want to leave their friends. I knew my window for making this move was a small one. If I waited another year or two my son would be in high school, making a move much more difficult. So I spent the summer with a nice realtor looking, and looking, and looking. We never found anything that seemed 'right' and it was getting late in summer and I was getting burned out. Preparations for school were coming up and in light of months trying to make this move work, I decided the message was this - it's not yet time.

So I let it go and got busy preparing for fall and all that comes with it. It was a very early phone call that started me up again. I was half asleep, wrestling with myself to wake up and get moving when the phone rang. The voice on the other end was indecipherable. "Turn on your television!" it said. "What? Why? Who is this,” I asked as I rubbed my sleepy eyes trying to come into full consciousness. It's Susan, "Turn on your television now," she sobbed. "What channel," I asked. "ANY CHANNEL," she said.

My girlfriend had been watching television when the first plane hit the towers and as I turned on my TV and tried to wrap my head around the pictures I was seeing, the second plane hit tower two. I must have yelled out because both my children were in my lap before I knew it and we all were spellbound to that television we seldom ever turned on. Well, you know the rest of that story and each of you probably has your own to tell. This one is mine. That moment, or rather that day, I turned a corner in my life. I realized I had been living in fear--afraid to move, afraid to change, afraid to let go of what I saw as security in my life--but suddenly, watching those towers collapse and people soaring from windows it occurred to me there is no security in this life. Nothing solid. Everything moves. Everything changes.

I'd married my husband twenty years earlier because I loved him and he was my dearest and closest friend... but I also married him because I trusted him. I knew he'd make a great father because he already was one. I knew he adored me because he showed me every single day for two years prior. I knew he'd never hurt me, cheat on me, or leave me. He knew the same of me. What neither of us bargained for is that he would die.

By this time in my life story he'd been gone six years. I'd rebuilt a new life, new career, new friends, etc. And it was good. Why would I leave all of the things I'd worked so hard to establish? To move to the mountains? Alone? It didn't make sense logically, but the pull on my heart was not to be shushed and continued to whisper to me when I was still enough to listen. And then that fateful day, September 11, 2001 and I woke up to the understanding that there was nothing to fear. Nothing to hold on to, nothing to grasp, nothing solid. No reason to fear.

Within two weeks of that day a person crossed my path and led me directly to the house I now live in. Effortless. Easy. Perfect. It was in December, about a decade ago when I packed up my family, my personal belongings, and my pets and moved from our familiar and long-time residence, saying good-bye to wonderful friends, dear family members, and successful business relationships. Leaving a comfort zone I’d lived in for the past 15 years. Why, you may wonder? Because it was time—a time to move forward—a time for change. It was a time for starting over.

Starting over can be scary. Have you ever lost a job, or moved across the country, or ended a relationship? Yes, starting over can be hard and can even be frightening, and even sometimes painful, but it can be the best time of your life. The key is your attitude. While change can be sometimes difficult, change can also be beneficial. New opportunities will be presented for your personal growth and development. It is a wonderful time to re-examine other areas in your life. What other changes might you need to make to live a healthier, happier, and more satisfying life?

Starting over can be exciting! You don’t have to move, leave your job, dump your partner, or change your career to gain the benefits of starting over. You can start over today, right where you are, and begin to create the life you dream of living. When we really understand our ability to direct our lives where we want it to go it’s pretty empowering!

PURSUING YOUR DREAMS
If you are anything like me, you might have postponed making some changes you need to make in your life. What have you put off because you are afraid, have been discouraged by others, or have failed at in the past? Examples might include pursuing an acting career, starting a catering business, or even getting married again. Get up close to your fear and examine it in detail. What is at the root of your fear of pursuing an acting career, for example? Is it your high- school drama teacher's criticism of your acting technique that has stuck with you all these years? Get a different perspective. That was only one person's opinion. Perhaps he/she was having a bad day when they lashed out at you and your work. If necessary, take more acting classes until you feel more confident in your ability.

Honor your dreams. Begin by taking a deep breath and resolving to see it through once and for all. This requires a shift in attitude of course. Act as if your happiness (and your life) depends on it. It does, doesn't it? Promise yourself that you will do whatever it takes to change the things that make you feel like you aren't living up to your dreams, up to your potential to live a joyful, fulfilling life. Do it so that you can look at yourself in a new way - with pride and respect. Prove to yourself that you are not a quitter and that you are capable of creating your own happiness.

REACHING OUT FOR HELP

Sometimes starting over can mean letting go of old ideas, negative thinking, or bad habits. And sometimes that may mean you have to reach out to others for help. The first step in any change is admitting you have a habit or problem in your life that is neither healthy nor conducive to real happiness is, as you well know, the first step to positive change. Whether the habit is smoking, drug or alcohol addiction, or overeating, you may need to get help overcoming it. Physical and/or emotional abuse, while not physical addictions per se, can however be seen as emotional habits which may need outside intervention in order for you to get out of and avoid future abusive relationships.

The second hardest step is asking for help because pride, ego, shame, embarrassment, etc. can keep you trapped in your harmful habits. Someone I know recently said, “My pride and ego are killing me.” And in this case, no truer words were ever spoken. To reach out and ask for help, to admit to others that you can’t overcome whatever it is that stands between you and your happiness or peace of mind can be hard. You need to be very strongly motivated. One way to do this is to keep your focus on the benefits of giving up your habit, of not having to smoke, drink, gamble, or do drugs. Focus on the freedom from your habit. What will you be free to do? Exercise, get out of debt, or pursue a new career?

Your life is up to you. Prove it by kicking that bad habit once and for all. How many of your decisions in the past were made based on whether or not you could smoke, where you could smoke, and how often you could smoke, for example? How much of your life is determined by a habit (or habits) that is keeping you stuck and unhappy? That is even killing you?

DRIVING THROUGH OBSTACLES

It is true that life can throw us curves and it seems that how quickly we can "recover" can often be the difference between crashing and staying the course. I don't know much about racecar driving, but I did once know a driver. He told me that one of the first things they teach you is how to "look forward" and instead of concentrating on the trouble you may find yourself in, look up the road, ahead, to the place you want to go. I have tried to live with a similar philosophy. Not trying to live in the future, but being present in the moment with a vision looking just ahead. Where will I put my next step?

While many people have told me I am strong, I often felt like a coward, without the courage to "live in the moment" when the moment seemed too tragic. I got pretty good at looking at the road ahead. While it served its purpose during those times in my life, those habits or beliefs later created problems for me. I would not describe myself so much as strong as I would brave. Today I too am trying to live in the moment. To look neither too far ahead, nor back, but to sit still in what is… and that is the now. It is a different take on life for me and has required some intentional practice on my part. Old habits can be challenging to break however sometimes the tougher the challenge, the greater the benefit!

My mentor, Arlene, once told me I could start my day over at anytime. Today, if I catch myself ‘acting out’ in an old behavior or bad habit, I can stop and start over right that minute and I must tell you that there have been days I have started over several times!

What about you? If you could create the life you’ve always dreamed of, where would you start? What changes would be necessary to make those dreams come true? What steps would you need to start with? What can you do today? How would you feel at this very moment if you were living that life? Would the effort to make the changes be worth the result?

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

1. How do you feel about starting over? Do you see it as a wonderful second or third chance to make your dreams come true? Or do you see it as just another attempt that is doomed to fail? Check your attitude and get to the root of your fears. Your success depends on it.

2. What dream do you want to pursue but have given up on? Why? Be honest with yourself. Do you still want to pursue this dream or will it no longer contribute to your happiness? If not, let it go. But if it will make you happier, resolving to go for it can inject purpose and enthusiasm into your life.

3. What is keeping you from asking for help? Is it pride? Are you ashamed? Are you afraid? Whatever you are feeling use it to jump-start yourself into asking for the help anyway. In other words, instead of feeling ashamed, take pride in knowing that you are taking control of your life.

While you may have once thought that starting over can be hard or even frightening, you will find that the benefits far outweigh the challenges and that starting over can be a new beginning for your new life.

Why not start today?

CiCi

© Cynthia Stewart

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Cynthia "CiCi" Stewart is an international speaker, author, promoter, and literary agent. She has spent the past twenty years developing a writing career and business' that span the globe. Cynthia is a fiction and non-fiction writer and author of several books including Dream BIG! A Woman’s Book of Network Marketing, and Creating Wealth on the Web. Her short stories have been published in New York Times best-selling books, which include Chicken Soup for the College Soul, Christmas Miracles, Stories For a Grad’s Heart, and Heart Touchers. Her books have been translated into 15 languages and read worldwide. Cynthia writes for popular magazines, websites, and various editorials. She has been a guest on numerous radio and television shows including popular morning show, The View, hosted by Barbara Walters. In addition, Cynthia produced a nationally broadcast weekly show for PBS. With over thirty years in marketing, production, and special events Cynthia has created a way to merge all previous business into a creative and highly successful production company. As co-founder of Sierra Mountain Productions, Cynthia is Director of Production and Development.

New Storm Warning from NASA

2010-01-19T09:02:00.000-08:00

Hi Friends,
Ok, maybe the photo is a little dramatic, but we are about to be hit with a big one according to my pals at NASA. Normally I wouldn't post a blog like this, but considering the content, you may understand why I am making this exception. I just got an email from a friend who works with these folks and kids, this is the real deal. They are saying most of us who live in these mountains have never see or experienced the likes of the storm that is coming our way.

GET PREPARED!

Stay safe and warm. My thoughts are with you all!

CiCi

I am forwarding a weather forecast from NASA regarding storms
projected to hit California and the Sierras. The NASA forecast appears
much more severe than the weather updates received from your office.
Although your information is focused on our region, I thought you
might want to take a look at this.
Ed
Edward D Atwell
Emergency Management Coordinator
University of Nevada, Reno
Police Services
1664 North Virginia St. M/S 0250
Reno, Nevada 89557-0250
(775) 682-7247
eatwell@police.unr.edu<>
"Community First"
________________________________

Get ready. This is what the emergency response community is saying:

Currently, the strong El Nino is reaching its peak in the Eastern
Pacific, and now finally appears to be exerting an influence on our
weather. The strong jet has been apparent for quite some time out over
the open water, but the persistent block had prevented it from
reaching the coast. Now that the block has dissolved completely, a
200+ kt jet is barreling towards us. Multiple large and powerful storm
systems are expected to slam into CA from the west and northwest over
the coming two weeks, all riding this extremely powerful jet stream
directly into the state. The jet will itself provide tremendous
dynamic lift, in addition to directing numerous disturbances right at
the state and supplying them with an ample oceanic moisture source.
The jet will be at quite a low latitude over much of the Pacific, so
these storms will be quite cold, at least initially. Very heavy
rainfall and strong to potentially very strong winds will impact the
lower elevations beginning late Sunday and continuing through at least
the following Sunday. This will be the case for the entire state, from
(and south of) the Mexican border all the way up to Oregon. Above
3000-4000 feet, precipitation will be all snow, and since temperatures
will be unusually cold for a precipitation event of this magnitude, a
truly prodigious amount of snowfall is likely to occur in the
mountains, possibly measured in the tens of feet in the Sierra after
it's all said and done. But there's a big and rather threatening
caveat to that (discussed below).Individual storm events are going to
be hard to time for at least few more days, since this jet is just
about as powerful as they come (on this planet, anyway). Between this
Sunday and the following Sunday, I expect categorical statewide
rainfall totals in excess of 3-4 inches. That is likely to be a huge
underestimate for most areas. Much of NorCal is likely to see 5-10
inches in the lowlands, with 10-20 inches in orographically-favored
areas. Most of SoCal will see 3-6 inches at lower elevations, with
perhaps triple that amount in favored areas.
This is where things get even more interesting, though. The models are
virtually unanimous in "reloading" the powerful jet stream and forming
an additional persistent kink 2000-3000 miles to our southwest after
next Sunday. This is a truly ominous pattern, because it implies the
potential for a strong Pineapple-type connection to develop. Indeed,
the 12z GFS now shows copious warm rains falling between days 12 and
16 across the entire state. Normally, such as scenario out beyond day
seven would be dubious at best. Since the models are in such truly
remarkable agreement, however, and because of the extremely high
potential impact of such an event, it's worth mentioning now. Since
there will be a massive volume of freshly-fallen snow (even at
relatively low elevations between 3000-5000 feet), even a moderately
warm storm event would cause very serious flooding. This situation
will have to monitored closely. Even if the tropical connection does
not develop, expected rains in the coming 7-10 days will likely be
sufficient to cause flooding in and of themselves (even in spite of
dry antecedent conditions).

In addition to very heavy precipitation, powerful winds may result
from very steep pressure gradients associated with the large and deep
low pressure centers expect ed to begin approaching the coast by early
next week. Though it's not clear at the moment just how powerful these
winds may be, there is certainly the potential for a widespread
damaging wind event at some point, and the high Sierra peaks are
likely to see gusts in the 100-200 mph range (since the 200kt jet at
200-300 mb will essentially run directly into the mountains at some
point). The details of this will have to be hashed out as the event(s)
draw closer.
In short, the next 2-3 weeks (at least) are likely to be more active
across California than any other 2-3 week period in recent memory. The
potential exists for a dangerous flood scenario to arise at some point
during this interval, especially with the possibility of a heavy
rain-on-snow event during late week 2. In some parts of Southern
California, a whole season's worth of rain could fall over the course
of 5-10 days. This is likely to be a rather memorable event. Stay tuned.

Alexandra Pitts, Assistant Regional Director External Affairs
Pacific Southwest Region
(w) 916 414 6619
(c) 916 804 4967

I Have A Dream!

2010-01-18T15:38:00.000-08:00

As Americans, we celebrate Martin Luther King Day each year. A day to honor, not only Martin Luther King Jr., but to honor his commitment to stand for justice, to have his voice heard, to bring hope and light to a people who were in darkness. Mr. King fought his battles to the death, in a non-violent manner, to end segregation and racial discrimination. He was assassinated for standing up and doing so. This year, the day holds even more meaning for me.

This past year I've been victimized, abused, cheated, lied to, taken advantage of, and discriminated against. I've seen first hand what it is like to feel completely helpless against other people, their actions, ideals, and beliefs. I've felt the frustration and pain of feeling pressed against a wall against my will (figuratively speaking) and I've witnessed abuse at it ugliest, abuse of the soul and mind.

And what I've learned, among other things, is non-resistance is powerful. That hate can't take the heat of love.

That forgiveness brings peace to one's soul.

And that nothing lasts forever.

The old cliché' "We've Come A Long Way Baby," may be true, however in many ways we are still standing, over forty years later, in the same darkness that Martin Luther King Jr. was trying to shine a light on. He was an incredible man, an incredible change agent for social justice.

If you haven't ever read it, or if it has been awhile since you have, I recommend reading, "I Have a Dream."

I will include in this post a video of his famous speech.

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You likely will recognized that the changes he was asking for then, in 1963, are still problems we face today. Yes, we've come a long way in some areas, however I've also had the opportunity to watch my oldest daughter, Rachel, teach children who have been terribly abused. She works in a special school just for children who have been so abused they can't manage in life outside this confined, controlled environment. I've also had the opportunity to know those (personally) who work in urban middle schools, where they still see great segregation and poverty.

The difficulties these kids face everyday would be haunting for most of us. Life for them is one of survival. Even here in the mountains I call home I see the children in the public school system. Some of them… lots of them come to school hungry, dirty, sleepy, and scared. Their parents drug abuse, or mental/emotional problems have driven them to live in such a way that is unimaginable to most of us. Some live in cars, some on the streets, and most are just trying to make ends meet. They're doing what they need to do to provide for their families. For some students, school is the only place they will eat or feel safe that day. The playing ground is so very, very far from being equal.

Here are some of Dr. King's words, expressed over forty-four years ago in his "I Have a Dream" speech:

"Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity.

Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quick sands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children."

As I watched Martin Luther King Jr. deliver his speech, "I Have A Dream" I cried, again. Though I've seen it and read it for decades now it still touches my heart. Sadly much of what Mr. King fought for and died for has yet to become reality. But the hope remains… in me.

As we celebrate Dr. Kings birthday, let us not forget what he stood for, what he asked for, and what he died for, and do our part in each of our lives to bring his dream into reality. May we all begin today.

Change begins with me!
And the world wins!

Peace and love,

CiCi
© Cynthia Stewart is a literary agent, an international speaker, author, and promoter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What Would YOU Do?

2010-01-13T13:19:00.000-08:00

A friend asked me to tell him what I would do if money were no object. That one question opened a whole door of possibilities and I've spent a fair amount of time writing a list, which continues to change. So I thought, before I rewrite it yet another time, I'd post a blog about today... what would I do today if money were no object in my life?

Today I'd send airplanes and ships full of supplies, food, etc. to those in Haiti who are suffering from the earthquake that hit them this week. I'd go there myself and help them pull their fathers and children from the rubble. I'd volunteer to help however I possibly could. If you are reading this, I'd encourage you to send what you can too. You might be surprised at how a small thing can mean so much. I lost my house to fire a few years back and I can't tell you how much it meant to me for my friends to pull together things for me. Especially my friend Lori. Her gestures of kindness pulled me through when I am not sure I could have done it alone. But that is a story for another time...

After helping in Haiti, I'd buy a spot of land with tall cedars and a view. A year round stream/river running through the property. I want to see water… love water. I'd build a house on the big flat spot at the crest of the knoll. It would be a smart house. Creative. Artsy. Warm. I’d spend mornings writing the best-selling American novel. The afternoons would be spent entertaining friends, neighbors, family and doing community volunteer. I’d travel. A month at a time with no deadlines or demands to return or be here or there at a specific time. I’d look for the miracles. I’d be a part of them as often as the universe will allow.

I’d play the piano everyday. Take salsa lessons. Paint. I’d have a killer garden with roses dripping off the fence and a harvest that would feed all the neighbors. I’d make love to my man everyday. More than once if time and circumstance permitted. I’d turn my novel into a screen play, perhaps direct or co-produce the movie. A hit of course. I’d make a difference in the world for good. A positive influence of a profound nature. I’d remain as anonymous as possible, perhaps write with a pen name. It’s the message, not the messenger that most counts.

Now, having written this, I wonder what you would do if money were no object and you believed in the possibilities. I hope you'll take to heart this idea and write a list of your own. For you see, I believe we create the world we live in by the words we speak and the person we are being at every moment in time. The human experience is incredible, what a gift. And it's really all about the giving and not the getting anyway.

I am a creator and I strive to create a world of beauty and bounty for all that are in it.

Dream BIG!
© Cynthia Stewart

2010-01-02T19:38:00.000-08:00

One smile can brighten a day. One kind gesture can lighten a burden. One kind word can change a heart. One noble intention can move the earth. One sincere effort can change the world. One step towards peace and prosperity can usher a positive change and make world an amazing place to live. A great welcome to the year 2010 and a big hello to each of you!

  Wouldn’t it be great if each one of us shared that one thing they would remember the most about 2009. One thing that really brought a positive change in your approach towards managing your personal or professional life. One thing that made you a better human being and contributor to our society. One thing that you achieved or something that happened that you will cherish for whole lifetime. If you can share that one experience of yours and how you learned from it, I am sure it would be great for all of us to read.  Lot’s of folks have a sort of tradition of setting certain goals at the beginning of New Year. Have you done so? I hope you will let us know what your New Year’s resolution is. What is that one thing you intend to achieve? What is that one thing you would want to contribute that can make this world better?   

For me personally, 2009 was a very challenging year. While the first part of the year went to wrapping up a two and a half year building project and moving for the fifth time in that period, the second half went into launching a production company in Nevada County; www.SierraMountainProductions.com

It’s been a really a satisfying experience to see so many community members offering their support, encouragement, and help as we start this new project. My business partners, Roy Rogers www.roy-rogers.com and his brilliant wife, Gaynell www.pressandrelease.net and I have been touched by the kindness of our community. We anticipate this effort will not only bring positive enriching art and music to our home town, opportunities to those in and around our community, but also a positive way to increase tourism, increase outside income into the community, increase jobs, and increase the budget for our communities schools, education, music, and more. In addition Sierra Mountain Productions will donate a percentage of profit to local charities or organizations in need.

While working hard for the year to start such a business I’ve had the privilege of meeting even more wonderful folks from this community who are serious about making a positive difference here in 2010 and beyond. All this made my belief in human spirit and its desire to succeed and overcome all challenges even stronger. If life throws you a lemon - make lemonade, someone said so rightly.  As for 2010, my resolution is to partner with like-minded individuals who are each making an effort to improve world conditions and awareness starting right here at home. I’d also like to start a nonprofit organization for the cause of literacy and the arts. I will be pleased if any of you have any ideas to share for the same. 

It’s over to you now. Let everyone know about one thing you have learned or achieved in 2009 and what your resolution is for 2010. Send me your lists and I’ll post on our website! That way we’ll all be supporting you in your goals for this new year.  Have a great - great year ahead! 

Blessings to all,

CiCi Stewart
www.CynthiaStewart.com
www.SierraMountainProductions.com

MARDI GRAS COSTUME BALL AND VALENTINE'S DAY CELEBRATIONS

2009-12-14T10:04:00.000-08:00

Dreams in the making…

What does Valentine's Day and Mardi Gras have in common you ask? Read on to find out!

Every February, across the country, candy, flowers, and gifts are exchanged between loved ones, all in the name of St. Valentine. Every February, across the country, candy, flowers, and gifts are exchanged between loved ones, all in the name of St. Valentine.

Gradually, February 14 became the date for exchanging love messages and St. Valentine became the patron saint of lovers. The date was marked by sending poems and simple gifts such as flowers. There was often a social gathering or a ball.

Mardi Gras, also known as "fat Tuesday," this pre-Lenten festival is celebrated in Roman Catholic countries and communities. In a strict sense, Mardi Gras, or Shrove Tuesday, is celebrated by the French as the last of the three days of Shrovetide and is a time of preparation immediately before Ash Wednesday and the start of the fast of Lent. Mardi Gras is thus the last opportunity for merrymaking and indulgence in food and drink. In practice, the festival is generally celebrated for one full week before Lent. Mardi Gras is marked by spectacular parades featuring floats, pageants, elaborate costumes, masked balls, and people dancing in the streets.

There’s a lot of rich tradition, history, and religious significance surrounding the customs of Mardi Gras. There’s also a lot of fun. While there’s really no way to experience the parades, the festivities, and the cooler weather during this part of the year, we at least have one small way to experience Mardi Gras and that’s king cake.

This year, in Northern California a new tradition is formed and history will be made as Sierra Mountain Productions presents “Mardi Gras Costume Ball Valentine’s Day Celebration”. Held in an exclusive estate nestled among ancient oaks and green rolling hills in a romantic private setting history will be made and you can be a part of it! This night promises to be a night that will be a marker for all future Mardi Gras or Valentine’s Day events. Imagine the ambiance of a private estate, exquisite decorations, tables set with linens and flowers, candles glowing, corks popping against original New Orlean’s Jazz sounds wafting through the rafters.

Captivate your sweetheart this Valentine’s Day and join us in celebration for this exclusive and unforgettable event!

© Cynthia Stewart

REBECCA, BUMBLEBEES, AND BELIEF

2009-07-02T07:21:00.000-07:00

What can a bumblebee teach you about the relationship between your inner potential and your beliefs? Everything!

Yesterday was Father’s Day and I spent the day with four of my five children and friends on a beautiful river outside of Nevada City, California. It was a gorgeous place deep in a gorge, trees reaching up toward the heavens and the calming sound of the river as it dipped and curved around the granite rock outcroppings. The river was clean and cool and filled with wonderful swimming holes much to the delight of my children (and me!)

I watched my youngest daughter as she attempted to swim, unaided, for the first time in her life. Rebecca tried over and over again to keep her little body above the water as she kicked her little legs and moved her arms as fast as she could. But time and time again she would stop as she became afraid that she might sink. After explaining to her that as she was swimming in water that came up to her chest and that she could put her feet down and stand up anytime she needed to, therefore she need not be afraid. Suddenly her confidence level rose as she began to believe that she was safe and she began to experience more and more success until we had to literally pluck her, blue lips and all, from the water!

While watching my daughter in the river I was reminded once again how we limit our potential by our expectations and beliefs. We get out of life what we expect to get, what we believe is possible, what we think we deserve… and often those expectations and beliefs are the very things that are limiting our success, or our ability to really enjoy life.

When Rebecca thought of the possibility of sinking under the water, she allowed her fears and expectations to keep her from even trying to swim. After all, she wasn’t a fish! She had legs that were meant to walk on the firm surface of the earth, not fins that were meant to move around in the water… or so she believed. Until she changed her belief, she was unable to swim.

This reminds me of a story I once read about the bumblebee. Some time ago, aeronautical engineers studied the bumblebee. They measured its wingspan, computed its body weight, scrutinized its oversize fuselage, and concluded that there was no rational reason why a bumblebee can take off or land safely.

See, the bumblebee doesn't know this. It doesn't know that its wingspan is too short, or that its fuselage is too heavy to sustain flight. So the bumblebee flies anyway.

I've got hundreds of true stories about people who have done amazing things because they didn't know they weren't supposed to be able to do them. And I know hundreds of stories about people who didn't do wonderful things because they had it in their heads that they couldn't.

You see belief puts a lid on your potential. Your beliefs are what determine what you can do in this life. It's not your gender or your intelligence or your personal wealth or your parents or your age or your race or your looks or anything else.

So, if you change your beliefs about what is possible for you, you automatically change your performance to match. And when you change your beliefs and your performance, all sorts of wonderful surprises are in store for you. So spread your wings and fly! Anything is possible!

© Cynthia Stewart

Back In The Saddle

2008-09-06T12:36:00.000-07:00

During a late night discussion with a friend and the subject of love our topic, it became obvious that each of us shared at least a few similar painful past experiences as well as a couple of insecurities. While our stories were different, the end result the same... we both have had relationships that didn't work out and left some residual heartache, but both agreed we gained much from said relationships and were thankful for the experience and the decisions and choices we've since made as a result from the learning and growth of those previous (deemed) failures. My friend was expressing a modicum of frustration with dates that had been less than honest. The idea being how can one get to know another person if there is a wall of lies between them.

My response was, "I think the wall of lies tells everything you would want to know about that person. Besides, I think it's difficult for many people to be honest with themselves so how could you expect them to be honest with you? How can they possibly show up 'real' in a relationship when they can't/aren't even real within? Even THEY do not know who they are!"

As far as insecurities go, do you know anyone who doesn't have at least a few? I guess it comes down to a simple question... are they willing to get back on the horse?

I was born and raised--for the most part--in Texas. When I was about 9 or 10 we moved out of town on a ranch. Besides the chickens and cows, we also had horses and pigs. Now consider this... prior to this moment in my life I was a city girl. We bought our eggs at the Piggly Wiggley and bacon from the butcher and until that summer didn't know anything about roosters and hens much less birds and bees. But what I did know is my step-father, Butch was his nickname, was a master horseman and to this day I've never seen anyone, short of the Olympic Equestrian Gold Medalists, who could be one with an animal like he could with a horse.

Well for some crazy reason he was determined that I would be good with horses too. I think he had me pegged as Isabella Bird, or at the least some sort of Rodeo Queen in the Cowgirl Hall of Fame. I rather liked the queen idea as it suited me, but rodeo? Lots of dirt and animal droppings... anyway, one hot summer afternoon Butch decided today was the day he would teach me to ride. Oh I’d ridden before—lots of times—right in front of him on the saddle with the wind blowing in my hair while he danced the horse around the arena. Lovely it was. But this! This was something entirely different. While my uncles and brothers perched the corral fence he plopped me up on this terribly ornery little horse that certainly didn't want to come out of the cool shade in the barn on a hot summer day, much less entertain a fence lined with whoop-em-up would-be cowboys. Nor did it seem did she want the precious future-Rodeo Queen slapped down on her bareback.

Butch seemed oblivious to this obvious scenario as he stood there giving me directions like some military sergeant and I, being green as you put it, trying to remember everything he said.

Back straight!
Head up!
Heels down.
Shoulders square.
Reins tight but comfortable.
Heels into sides of horse... and whish!

She took off around the corral at a fast gallop. I was barely able to hang on and was so terrified of falling off I hadn’t noticed she’d looped around and was running full throttle for the barn. I looked up just in time to see the barn door as she ran through it and my head collided into it. I fell hard on the dirt and knocked the wind out of myself—my first experience with being unable to breathe. I don’t recall exactly what happened next other than I saw size twelve’s sharp-pointed in my direction and the sergeant shouting orders while I tried to slither away under the fence. But Butch was determined I’d “get back up on er” like a good cowgirl and grabbed me up and plopped me back on. It might have been that day, with dirt grinding between my teeth and the boys all laughing like hyenas on the fence that I decided I wasn’t cut out as the next Panhandle Rodeo Queen, but I’ve been falling on my feet ever since.

So, does one allow their insecurities (fears) to run their life OR are they willing to get real, get vulnerable, and risk the possibility of falling on their face, of being hurt, rejected, and embarrassed OR does one run the risk (quite possibly) of meeting someone really special, of opening to that person, and developing a mutually loving relationship?

Does seem quite simple doesn't it?

CiCi

The Swan’s Song

2008-03-10T22:30:00.000-07:00

Love. You don’t fall in love.

You fall down, fall short, fall apart; but you don’t fall in love. Besides, if you are going to do any ‘action’ in love then stand in love… don’t fall. Now I am assuming we are talking about romantic love, the sort of love that is lasting, one hopes. I agree there is a sense of weightlessness when one becomes enamored with a new relationship—there is a euphoria that exists and it is true a certain endorphin is released which might give one a sense of ‘falling’ I suppose. But love? Are you sure you aren’t talking about infatuation?Webster defines love

Love (1): strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties <maternal love for a child> (2): attraction based on sexual desire: affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3): affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates> b: an assurance of love <give her my love>2: warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion <love of the sea>3 a: the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration <baseball was his first love> b (1): a beloved person: darling —often used as a term of endearment (2)British —used as an informal term of address4 a: unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1): the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2): brotherly concern for others b: a person's adoration of God5: a god or personification of love6: an amorous episode : love affair: the sexual embrace : copulation8: a score of zero (as in tennis)

Verb1: to hold dear: cherish2 a: to feel a lover's passion, devotion, or tenderness for b (1): caress (2): to fondle amorously (3): to copulate with3: to like or desire actively : take pleasure in <loved to play the violin> 4: to thrive in <the rose loves sunlight>intransitive verb: to feel affection or experience desire

Clearly the word love has many different meanings—at least in the English language. Love can mean anything from something that gives one a little pleasure to the score of a tennis match. It’s no wonder so many are confused about love. Even Webster’s can’t narrow down a definition!

So what then is love?

I would like to suggest that, as my fellow blogger put it, “… the move of a beautiful woman’s hair, and the glimpse of a cute smile,” have little, or nothing, to do with the sort of love I think of when I consider long-term mutually loving relationships. Traps he says? How could one equate love and trap in the same subject line?

A few years ago, I spoke to a group of high-schoolers about the idea of love.

"Someone define love," I said.

No response.

"Doesn't anyone want to try?" I asked.

Still no response.

"How about this: I'll define it, and you raise your hands if you agree. Okay?"

Nods.

"Okay. Love is that feeling you get when you meet the right person."

Every hand went up. And I thought, Oh boy!

This is how many people approach a relationship. Consciously or unconsciously, they believe love is a sensation (based on physical and emotional attraction) that magically, spontaneously generates when Mr. or Ms. Right appears. And just as easily, it can spontaneously degenerate when the magic "just isn't there" anymore. As my fellow blogger Rob indicated, you fall in love, and you can fall out of it.

But is that true love?

I’ve had a few relationships where I felt what I deemed was “true love” for the fellow. Some of those moments of feeling love were when we embraced. Others were when we shared intimate personal truths together. And for some of them it was love felt when they left!

How do you define love?

Some say it's mysterious, magical, complex, difficult, imaginary, thought-provoking, inspirational, intuitional, joyous, immeasurable, ecstasy, and undefinable. Perhaps.

In one of Dr. John Gray's audio cassettes he defines love as follows:

"Love is a feeling directed at someone which acknowledges their goodness."

On the same cassette, he refers to the definition by M. Scott Peck:

"The willful intent to serve the well being of another."

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. - 1 Corinthians 13:5-7

My favorite is by ParamahansaYogananda:

"To describe love is very difficult, for the same reason that words cannot fully describe the flavor of an orange. You have to taste the fruit to know its flavor. So with love."

Love itself is a universal experience. Yet, every individual occurrence - while perhaps bound by a common thread - seems absolutely unique. Love is what love is! To everyone it expresses itself differently.

Could it be that Love is a story that can never be fully expressed?

Love is a bond or connection between two people that results in trust, intimacy, and an interdependence that enhances both partners. (quotation by me!)

Love is the ability and willingness to allow those you care for to be what they choose for themselves, without any insistence that they satisfy you. - Leo Buscaglia

Making Love is the highest level and the most loving way we can physically express or demonstrate our Love for our love partner. Everyone knows that the sexual experience can be the single most loving, most exciting, most powerful, most exhilarating, most renewing, most energizing, most affirming, most intimate, most uniting, most stress-relieving, most recreative physical experience of which humans are capable.

Love is More Powerful than Sex

Robert Roy Britt, a LiveScience Senior Writer posted a blog a few years back about a study announced in the July issue of the Journal of Neurophysiology which read:

Sex and romance may seem inextricably linked, but the human brain clearly distinguishes between the two, according to a new study. The upshot: Love is the more powerful emotion.

The results of brain scans speak to long-standing questions of whether the pursuit of love and sex are different emotional endeavors or whether romance is just warmed over sexual arousal.

"Our findings show that the brain areas activated when someone looks at a photo of their beloved only partially overlap with the brain regions associated with sexual arousal," said Arthur Aron of the State University of New York-Stony Brook. "Sex and romantic love involve quite different brain systems."

Well, duh! Most of us could have told you that without a scientific experiment. Or is that what we all were doing all along—a scientific experiment?

So what is love -- real, lasting love?

After all this rambling, I suppose I really can’t define love either. Love must be experienced. I can tell you that the opposite of Love is Fear. Think about it.

Expectations and Demands

Last week my buddy Jim said he and his girlfriend were having some troubles. “I love her,” he said to me. “And that is what is killing me.”

I said, “It isn’t love that is killing you, it is your expectations of the one you say you love. Love doesn’t kill.”

Is it possible to have unconditional love? Love for another simply to love them? Expecting nothing in return?

No expectations - no demands… used to be my mantra. That is until I realized I had plenty of expectations and demands of the ones I loved. I expected my husband to come home at night. I expected my children to honor their parents, and in fact, sometimes demanded it. But isn’t real love simply loving someone without expecting anything in return; no judgments, no restrictions; no limitations; no expectations?

My Buddist friend tells me that true love is loving what is. I’m still working on that one.

To me, I’ve discovered that love is embracing differences and discovering ways in which to build a common lifestyle, share decision-making, and taking equal responsibility for the results. True love has a foundation of integrity, respect, faith and trust. Love is the force that brings about unity and harmony.

Although love is at the root of our basic nature, Love for another human being must be cultivated. It takes time for Love to mature.

Robert Heinlein in "Stranger in a Strange Land" said, Love is. . . "That condition whereby the happiness of another is essential to your own." As one who has a strong affection towards eagles, hawks, geese, and so on; I think they may have it closer to 'right' than we humans do for most of these mate for life. Why then is it so difficult for us, the evolved species, to do the same?

So why is it that love receives less instruction than the average driver’s education class? We don’t learn to drive by crashing until we get it right, but this seems to be how we learn about love.

I’ve had my share of crashes. There was even a time in my life I gave up driving all together. But eventually, like most humans, the desire to have companionship won out over my fear of crash and burn. However the first thing I had to do along my own personal journey to love was to learn to love myself and what a ride that was!

And that is a story for another blog…

Spirit Whispers

2008-02-20T19:11:00.000-08:00

I BOUGHT A TIPI a few months ago—a big one—22ft in diameter with 30’ poles. I could tell you I bought it because I’ve always wanted one, or because I needed a place to put on the property for meditation, or for an escape. I could tell you I bought it because I thought it would make a good guest quarter, or a neat place to stay on a warm summer night. I could tell you a lot of things but the truth is I bought a tipi because one morning in mediation, I listened to a still small voice within and I followed it.

That voice led me to the top of a mountain on a road my 4x4 truck barely could manage and when there I saw a hillside filled with tipis and I felt my heart sing. I would then have to tell you about the feeling that came over me when I first pulled back the canvas door and stepped inside, but perhaps that feeling is best told in a quiet circle with a selected few…

I met two lovely people on the top of that mountain and witnessed a miracle that day that reminded me that dreams do come true, that life is worth living, and that there is still magic within those who dare to dream.

I bought a tipi. It sits, still, in the packing box it came in. I tried pulling it out once, with the help of a strong Native American man. With both of us we barely managed to get it out on the floor and were overwhelmed at the size of it. Both of us together could hardly open it so we decided to wait… wait until another day, when the time was right.

That was three months ago. I still touch it when I walk by the office… still look at the long poles stacked neatly beside the garden fence… still dream of hoisting it up one day and building a fire within… of making love in the firelight under a blanket of stars and of waking in the morning with sun’s light glowing through the canvas.

I bought a tipi. A big one. Big enough for family to stay over or for guests to enjoy. I drew a design to paint on it this spring. I gathered Red Tail Hawk feathers and owl, and raven for the top of the poles and for the inside. I have two rugs a friend loomed for me that will adorn the inside and I’m always on the look out for more. I have a hide, a big one, to lie on the floor for warmth and some Native art by a local artist.

When I listened to that voice inside that directed me to a mountain I previously didn’t know existed, I didn’t realize then, or even in the months that followed, that this tipi would actually be my home… now I do.

I bought a tipi one Sunday afternoon because I listened, and followed and in four months, when the spring flowers have bloomed and summer sun is knocking on spring’s door I will put my tipi upright between tall pine trees at the south garden gate and watch as the sun sets behind my other house… the one I hope to rebuild one day.

I bought a tipi. And I am glad.

© Cynthia Stewart

Sticks and Stuff

2008-02-20T18:16:00.000-08:00

I STOOD AT THE KITCHEN sink this afternoon; hands plunged deep in warm soapy water and the smell of chicken soup bubbling on the stove wafting through the house. I stood there after the dishes were finished and watched through the large window that faces the pasture, the snow falling. Silver-dollar-sized flakes whirling in every direction one minute and then floating gently down in another and the two big chestnut trees are cloaked in white, their dark bark barely peeking under the white of winter.

I’ve watched summer come and go from this window. Watched autumn in blazing glory. Watched 375 thousand leaves fall from the trees. And now as the soft whiteness surrounds me it occurs to me that I have been living here longer than I’d imagined already and with no change in sight.

A week from tomorrow, the 28th, of February, will mark exactly eight months since my house was destroyed by fire. Eight months! Is that possible? Standing at this kitchen window it is an anomalous feeling. It’s been so long now that sometimes it seems as if it didn’t really happen at all. I could almost forget for a minute but that my days are consumed with insurance receipts, engineers, contractors, and county building departments… my nights too. Besides, all I really have to do is drive ten minutes down the tree lined winding road, turn the corner, drive up the hill and there it sits—a gapping hole of a house—a mere shell perched precariously at the top, empty. Charred trees still standing like sentinels over an open roof and new wood framing reaching up in the sky like fingers reaching… reaching for what? For help? For a roof? For the family that once resided here? For the love? Do the trees miss the laughter? I know the garden misses my hands.

I know every rock stack on the property, every daffodil planted by little hands over the past six winters and where the red-tail hawk perches watching for his catch. I know the trail cut through the Manzanita by deer and where they lay on hot summer days in tall cool grass under the oaks. I know the time of day by the way the light filters through my window and when winter bids adieu to spring. I know better than to be attached to such things for I know that everything is temporary, but one… and that is love.

I love that place I called home. It's not the sticks and stuff, or even the stones I've placed in a large circle in the garden or the stacks that stand tall around the skirts of the property… it's the feeling I have when my hands are deep in the dirt at planting time or the smell of ripe tomatoes in the summer. It's the screech of the hawk and the coo of the doves I miss most, and light of the full moon as it dances across the back of the house to taunt me awake. It's the sense of belonging and the feeling of utter peace.

Tragedy happens, everyday. People manage to keep going. It’s just a house… wood and walls. Stuff really. In the scheme of life this is but a trifle… a hiccup. I know this yet sometimes I forget.

© Cynthia Stewart

A LOVE LETTER

2008-02-03T18:02:00.000-08:00

RECENTLY a friend asked me if I celebrated Valentine’s Day. It gave me pause to think. Valentine’s Day, when my husband was alive, was a week-long event and one we both enjoyed sharing. As years pass Valentine’s Day holds less and less meaning for me. Oh I still help my daughter put together her Valentine’s day gifts for her friends from school and dance and I usually bake something special, but as a single woman, not in the throws of an intimate relationship at present, Valentine’s Day has kind of lost it’s luster.

I’d written a blog of sorts on the second Valentine’s Day after his death and as I searched for it this week I found a letter I’d written to him during that time. Myfirst Valentine’s Day as a widow came only six days after his death. I couldn’t write anything at that time. Writing came later as I came to realize, and accept, that life goes on and me with it.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sometimes I miss you so much I can barely breathe. For the most part though, it is just the tender missing, the gentle tugging at my heart, the longing to tell you of the feelings saved there, held for you for another day, or another lifetime. To share with you the thoughts running around in my head, or even of the simple things of a lazy afternoon, a hectic week, or the colors of the changing leaves that surround me.

I can’t think of a day that I don’t consider you. The memory of your face surrounding me—your eyes, the clarity of color, the intensity… the millions of stories they’ve told me and the millions more to see… the sunlight shining in the blonde of your hair… your fingers pulling on your ear lobe when you are deep in thought. I see you often walking, a slight limp, sometimes turning your head in my direction and looking into my eyes. What a complexity of things I see in that instant… the love, the passion, the hurt, the struggle, the humility, the long-suffering, the patience, the impatience, the frustration, the forgiving, the longing, the gratitude, the struggle, the surrender, the fear, the anger, the affection… the story. I stand still and observe you… your stance, your gait, your shy and humble manner, and your gentle spirit.

I see you in the blue of the Pacific Ocean on a clear sunny day. I see you under the light of a full moon, or in the colors of the sunsets that fill the evening skies. I see you in the hundreds of hand cut prisms that make the glass atop the lighthouse that shines out across the deep blue waters of the ocean. I see you in the round pen on a small ranch across the canyon and in the eyes of the horse I visit more often than not. I feel you in the thick of the redwoods, their ancient wisdom, gentle ways, quiet strength… all serve to remind me of you. I see you in the red dirt at the top of a ridge I found one afternoon. As I sat pulling heat from a massive granite rock that gripped the side of the high slope, I watched as an eagle, which had been perched in an old tree not twenty feet from my head, float quietly, effortlessly down and across the gorge and river below. I wanted to follow him. I wanted to float, to fly away, and to find you once again… or was that you?

I see you in the eyes of our children and in that way your love and beauty never escapes me. I see you in their looks, the turn of their head, and the twinkle in their eyes. I see you too in the kindness of their hearts… each one of them. I see you in Michal’s face and in his hands, strong wide hands like yours—he has them too. I see you in Tyler’s ears, and in Clinton’s smile, and in Rachel’s quickness to laugh, and in the slight tiny twist of the pinky fingers of Rebecca, I see you. I see you when I watch Clinton with baby Becca, the love he has for her like the love you had for all our children… it runs deep. I see you when I watch Tyler open doors for ladies at the market and the gentle way he cares for Rebecca… the way you always did for me. I see you in Rachel, maybe the most… in her gentle but strong ways… in the respect she has earned from all who know her, just by her being… just like you did with all who knew you.

Sometimes I hear your voice, the deep resonance that flows like a melody through my ears and into my heart. I see you at the foot of my bed on an early summer afternoon, smiling with that smile of yours that reaches the ends of the universe and the depth of my soul. I see your hands, hands that seem have a magic healing power… and I remember the feel of their touch. I feel you in the saddle shop as the smell of leather fills me up. I feel the comfort of your offerings as I seek your understanding or vision of a world I can’t see. I feel your presence all around me, especially at the end of a day when the sun is throwing long right angles across the back yard, last light dancing through the leaves of the trees, holding together a story of its own with a connection that neither time, nor absence can break. I feel the swelling in my heart as it fills with light and prayers for you, wherever you may be… for your comfort, your peace.

And I feel the warmth and love that my heart contains when I think of all these things and so, so much more.

And so it is for me, my love.

NEW YEAR ~ NEW DREAMS!

2008-01-04T19:44:00.000-08:00

"For last year's words belong to last year's language. And next year's words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning."
~T.S. Eliot

The first week of the new year. A fresh start. A new chapter in life waiting to be written. New questions to be asked, embraced, and loved. Answers to be discovered and then lived in this transformative year of delight and self discovery.

This weekend carve out a quiet interlude for yourself in which to dream, pen in hand.
Only dreams give birth to change. What are your hopes for the future? Embrace the gentle yearnings of your heart.

This year, instead of writing down resolutions, write down your most private aspirations. Those longings you have kept tucked away until the time seems right.
Trust that now is the time. Ask the questions. Take a leap of faith and begin this wondrous year by believing. Believe in yourself. Believe there is a loving Source just waiting to be asked to help you make your dreams come true.

Turn to face the future with welcome heart and curious eyes,
Something is ending and something new is about to begin...
May the New Year bring you nothing but happiness, love, prosperity
and dreams that are about to come true...
Wishing all my friends a voice for new beginnings....

~May you Always....Be Abundantly Blessed..
With Love,
~ ~ ♥ ~ ~
CiCi

"There are years that
ask questions, and years
that answer.
- Zora Reale Hurston -

REBECCA, BUMBLEBEES, AND BELIEF

2007-11-06T09:23:00.000-08:00

Father’s Day is a wonderful day and a day of celebration for all who have father’s, or are fathers. For our family the day is a mixed bag of blessings complete with gratitude for having had wonderful father’s, both me and the children, and sad because they are no longer present in our lives, at least in a way we can touch or smell. Since the death of my husband and the father of my five children, I have spent a great deal of thought and energy to create for them a special day. One Father’s Day a few years back I spent the day with four of my five children and friends on a beautiful river outside of Nevada City, California. It was a gorgeous place deep in a gorge, trees reaching up toward the heavens and the calming sound of the river as it dipped and curved around the granite rock outcroppings. The river was clean and cool and filled with wonderful swimming holes much to the delight of my children (and me!)

I watched my youngest daughter as she attempted to swim, unaided, for the first time in her life. Rebecca tried over and over again to keep her little body above the water as she kicked her tiny legs and moved her arms as fast as she could. But time and time again she would stop as she became afraid that she might sink, or worse. After explaining to her that as she was swimming in water that came up to her chest and that she could put her feet down and stand up anytime she needed to, therefore she need not be afraid, her confidence level rose as she began to believe that she was safe and she began to experience more and more success until we had to literally pluck her, blue lips and all, from the water!

While watching my daughter in the river I was reminded once again how we limit our potential by our expectations and beliefs. We get out of life what we expect to get, what we believe is possible, what we think we deserve… and often those expectations and beliefs are the very things that are limiting our success, or our ability to really enjoy life.

When Rebecca thought of the possibility of sinking under the water, she allowed her fears and expectations to keep her from even trying to swim. After all, she wasn’t a fish! She had legs that were meant to walk on the firm surface of the earth, not fins that were mean to move around in the water… or so she believed. Until she changed her belief, she was unable to swim.

This reminds me of a story I once read about the bumblebee. Some time ago, aeronautical engineers studied the bumblebee. They measured its wing span, computed its body weight, scrutinized its oversize fuselage, and concluded that there was no rational reason why a bumblebee can take off or land safely.

See, the bumblebee doesn't know this. It doesn't know that its wingspan is too short, or that its fuselage is too heavy to sustain flight. So the bumblebee flies anyway.

I've got hundreds of true stories about people who have done amazing things because they didn't know they weren't supposed to be able to do them. And I know hundreds of stories about people who didn't do wonderful things because they had it in their heads that they couldn't.

You see, belief puts a lid on your potential. Your beliefs are what determine what you can do in this life. It's not your gender or your intelligence or your personal wealth or your parents or your age or your race or your looks or anything else.

So, if you change your beliefs about what is possible for you, you automatically change your performance to match. And when you change your beliefs and your performance, all sorts of wonderful surprises are in store for you. What can a bumblebee teach you about the relationship between your inner potential and your beliefs? Everything! So spread your wings and fly!

Anything is possible!

© Cynthia Stewart

Through Janie’s Eyes

2007-10-25T15:08:00.000-07:00

Over 30 years ago we didn’t have ESPN, or MSBC, or cable TV and 24-hour news, though it wouldn’t have mattered much to me if we had. I didn’t watch TV; perhaps all those hours of cartoons during childhood made television news seem boring. Besides, I didn’t have time to sit still, much less in front of a box and even had I been so inclined, I doubt very much I’d watch whatever news was airing because it made my grandmother cry when she watched it—morning, noon, and night.

I was just hitting my teens, typically self-centered and somewhat detached from the ‘adult world’, I don’t remember what I even knew about war, about politics, about Vietnam… but I do remember when some of the boys started coming home, and I remember when some didn’t.

I remember the look of emptiness in their eyes… blank, vacant, as if they were absent from their bodies in some odd way. I remember the ones who returned in wheelchairs, dismembered bodies crammed awkwardly into uncomfortable and cumbersome contraptions into a world ill prepared for them, or them for it. I remember people staring… I remember I stared too. I remember being afraid, scared of something, yet I didn’t know what. But what I remember most was Jerry.

Jerry served in Vietnam. His sister, his twin Janie, was my friend. She was older than I was, had a job, and provided a safe haven of refuge for a somewhat wayward teenager like me who was fighting wars and battles of my own. It was really through Janie’s eyes that I saw Vietnam for the first time.

Growing up in Texas, the twins, Janie and Jerry, clung together and clawed their way through, and out, of the middle of a family of twelve and into the world side by side. Identical twins couldn’t have been closer than those two. They went to school together, played together, and fought a little too, yet held on to each other through the ups and downs of report cards and rejections, dates and disappointments, elation, divorce, illness, and even death. They were best friends.

As I remember it, from the first day I met Janie she talked about Jerry. Jerry this and Jerry that… you’d have thought she was talking about a new boyfriend or God, or anything besides just a plain ‘ole dumb brother, that is unless you looked into her eyes. Those cavernous blue eyes, echoing the words her mouth couldn’t utter, and the feelings she was unable to release—those dark daunting feelings—the kind that eat their way through you from the inside out. The kind that show up suddenly when a song comes on the radio that reminds you. The kind that rise up in the middle of a sleepless night when you feel too weak, too tired to hold them a moment longer and so you let out the fear, the rage, the unspeakable pain. Those are the stories Janie’s eyes told me when she talked about Jerry, and about Vietnam.

Afterwards she told me many other stories about Jerry. She showed me pictures of their childhood; two towheads turned brunette, plopped in the middle of a mud puddle back yard, white teeth peeping through mud covered heads—pictures of small faces behind gigantic pink ice-cream cones, pink dripping off their chins and down their t-shirts—pictures of the past. Memories anchored to feelings held on paper, and Janie’s attempt to preserve the past, clinging to it, almost as if to postpone the uncertainty of the future. Pictures of perfectly groomed children preparing for first communion. Pictures of birthdays, of holidays, of high-school graduation… two blonde heads with big smiles in the center of a mass of blue robes; pictures of college; and finally of Jerry’s farewell.

As that year passed Janie let out more and more of those dark feelings that wrenched her gut through the day and held her hostage in the dark hours of night. I remember the night she brought in the carved wooden box that sat on her dresser and held her precious mementos. It was a dark mahogany color, carved on the top and sides with roses. I watched her holding it with reverence, as if the contents were more precious than rubies. Her petite white hands carefully unwrapped envelopes postmarked from Vietnam, from places I’d never heard of before, from a world I didn’t know. Letters filled with words I didn’t understand… “Fires in the hole” or “Gooks in the wire”. She read those letters to me from Jerry, her twin, her brother, her best friend; words on paper that evoked a horror and repulsion in me I didn’t even know existed until then. And then she cried. I’d never seen anyone cry so hard, and for so long and in the years that followed I remembered I’d only seen her cry twice. That night was one of them, and when Jerry returned home three years later was the other.

The pain that followed I can’t speak of, it isn’t my story to tell, but anyone looking could read the tale in Janie’s eyes. Those blue eyes spoke volumes. They spoke of fear, anger, and of heart-crushing pain. They spoke to me when Janie wouldn’t… couldn’t… but they never again shed a tear. Something changed inside of Janie the day we met the plane and watched as Jerry came home. Many soldiers came home that day. We stood in absolute silence as the boys came off the plane. I couldn’t tell which one was Jerry. They all looked the same; caskets draped in red, white, and blue.

I remember afterwards leading Janie by the arm through the airport towards the car, gently pushing our way through other families who had come for their own reunion with their brothers, husbands, children, or fathers; families who were forever changed, altered in an indescribable way through their loss. I remember the melancholy that hung so heavy around me and in me, I could barely lift my feet to move through the throngs of people, women with faces still buried in their hands, red-faced men, and children clinging to the legs of their mother’s or siblings. Then I remember the shock that followed, and soon the repulsion, and finally the fear and anger that came as we exited the airport that day.

War protesters they called themselves. I didn’t understand then. I do understand now. I remember thinking, “Why were they screaming? Why were they here?” Waving homemade peace signs while at the same time inflicting acts of violence on these heart-broken families… screaming obscenities, waving fists in the air, spitting on the clothes, shoes, and even some faces of these grief-stricken people who, with heads bowed, made their way quietly through their sorrow to their cars. I don’t remember what happened next, but I do remember the look in Janie’s eyes…

That’s what I really know of Vietnam… the Vietnam I saw through Janie’s eyes.

I HAD A VISION

2007-10-20T14:08:00.000-07:00

Mist hung low in the cedars this morning like a cloak wrapped about the massive trunks of the ancient ones. Oh, what they might tell me if they could talk; or if I could understand the language I’m sure they have. I lay in bed watching the mist as it moved about the landscape beyond my bedroom, distorting the vision I typically see each morning just before sunrise. Where was the dogwood? I was certain it was there, but in this misty morning vision it eluded me.

It occurred to me at that moment that much of my life right now was like this misty morning landscape… unclear. Try as I might to make out shapes or see the future it was all an illusion that I was to make up in my own mind. What was clear to me was simply this; my house has no roof, my walls no mud, my floors no covering, my windows no glass...

I’ve been struggling so much for the past four weeks, trying to make sense of the insensible and to believe the unbelievable, and I’m sure my recent physical illness is a manifestation of all those stuffed emotions and thoughts I’ve held on to of late. If our words do indeed create our ‘now’ then it is clear to me that mine have been less than beautiful. However I have simply been describing what I ‘see’ before me; yet this morning in my hazy attempt to find clarity among the fog it occurred to me that I couldn’t see the entire picture of life-as-I’d-known-it these past few weeks anymore than I could see the dogwood that I was fairly certain still stood among the cedars across the lawn.

What I am certain about is this; regardless of what a person says with their words, or what their intentions are, the proof is in the pudding, so to speak. Or as a wise woman once told me, “I can’t hear your words for your actions speak so loud.”

What one DOES and how one shows up is what is real. Everything else is made up or imagined. The proof really is in the doing, not the speaking. Perhaps that is what coined the phrase, “talk is cheap”.

In the middle of another sleepless night I had a vision of my own. First the thought… what would I really love to see happen in the building or rebuilding of my home? What I first saw was the crew of Extreme Home Makeover pulling their giant RV in front of my house. A nice vision if I do say so myself. But what came next was even more beautiful and with that vision I felt my heart soften and could see how my life would be forever changed by the realization of that second vision, which was this:

My friend, Gary, orchestrating his magic and not only creating possibilities, but literally organizing and overseeing a group of people who were all smiling, talking, and working on my house. Behind him was Shaye who would bring car load after car load of people to see my house and what was happening there. All of these people where hiring us to redesign their dream home. She would bring them to me and I would walk them through the house, introducing them to the various folks who were all contributing time and energy, creating their own passion within the walls of my home.

There were many people working here from the community… a tile expert donating his time to create a masterpiece of tile work in the entry of my home. Another, a carpenter, laying wood flooring with artistic inlay designs. And then there was a glass woman, doing some sort of stain glass design in one of the windows. And there were many others as well. People with their hands in the dirt, planting flowers and shrubbery… laying huge flat pieces of stone to create a gradual upslope to the front door. There was another man and his wife who were putting in the ornate wrought iron railings that ran up the front walk and into the house up the stairs. This was something I’d helped him weld and design. In the back there was a Japanese man installing a waterfall, river, and swimming pool that all flowed together to create a water spot that looked as if it had always been present on that hillside.

People were scattered everywhere working, happily because each one of them was contributing the finest of their own creations to help me build my heart’s desire. Each of them had pride in their work and because they had so generously shared their talents with me, their work was being viewed, (and sold by me and by Shaye) to thousands of new clients they would likely never have met. It was a true community effort in the highest of humanity living. A gift of service and of love. I fell asleep, finally, with that vision in my head and in my heart. What a beautiful dream.

Later this morning I met a friend at the farmer’s market in Grass Valley and I met a man who does beautiful wrought iron work and I told him, “I had a vision…”

Peace,
CiCi

Learning To Live My Life

2007-10-18T01:34:00.000-07:00

Learning to Live my Life

As I re-read the words of a friend’s message, contemplating the relation to me and my own experience of learning to live my life, again the questions hovers just beyond the reaches of awareness, just outside the grasp of understanding. Almost as if to repeat the mantra of tragic occurrence, 'why' looms in front of the next impending thought, above the ceiling of reason that seems so very low at times such as these, behind the reservoir of familiar and comfortable thinking from which the mind draws its normal sense of solace. Not knowing anything about the mystery of God's will or the sometimes misery that accompanies the playing out of the human drama, I can only share my profound sense of hope.

In sifting through the fragments of my own memory, the recollections of strange turns-of-event and the unexpected twists in the roadway, I regret that I have little wisdom to offer myself, and to others for that matter, that would suffice to mitigate the pain and difficulty that is so much a part of human life, its endings and its many false hopes. And although choice affects a considerable part of one's perceptions of these things, life is still difficult at those points of departure or radical change that are so inescapable. The only illumination that I have found on the horizon seems to come in the form of acknowledging that the entire sequence of living is a path; one that must be endured and shouldered, but one with its own offerings as well.

I have conceded that there is no time limit placed on getting “it”, no schedule on the arrival to any zone of eureka, however temporal it may be. I think that the process lasts the entire duration of our stay here and thus, perhaps, there is no time frame for understanding, in spite of the tricks played on us by our perceptions. Maybe it is that we are asked to endure a full lifetime of learning, repeatedly engaging the lessons, the mysteries, the rhythms and the patterns of the human drama, until the time comes when we are called elsewhere. Realizing that life is a gift in spite of the occasional misery, I simply pray for sustenance, for endurance, enlightenment, and for the opportunity to grow within, with patience and some measure of understanding.

I don't know if I will ever get there, if there indeed is a 'there' in human life, but I continue to welcome faith, for myself and for all others for whom the word has meaning.

Life of the present has taken me on a journey of ups and downs so far and so high I’ve yet to catch my breath before another wave hits. Truly, if anything, I’ve learned I am certainly not in charge and the best I can do from day to day is to seek for His continued direction and the strength to carry out His will for me. I am sure that there is a very meaningful and profound correspondence to it all -- perhaps something that is known in depth, at the present time anyway, only to God above.

I have been searching for words to effectively describe the changes that I have experienced these past few months, the shifts in awareness, emphasis, perception and detailed focus that is coming from somewhere beyond or somewhere deep inside. It feels as though there is a woeful deficit in not only my understanding of this energy, but in my ability to describe it in the spoken or written word. I admit that this missive will probably be only the first of many attempts to unfold the understanding and, in turn, describe it in words that make any sense at all -- simply because I am learning as I write, as I think, and as I take each daily turn that emerges moment by moment.

There are subtle changes that I am aware of, changes inside my soul, I suppose, and changes that confirm the understanding that I rely upon almost superficially at times to explain the fact that life is constant change around me, around all of us. Striving to learn from my past, and equally from my present, I can offer to you only these simple words that reveal the very strong responsibility and accountability that I feel to my own life, to the path the is unfolding, however nebulously. I am not sure how to approach its description, the painting of the picture, for in these recent days I have been at a pronounced deficit of self-assurance -- a phenomenon that always seems to accompany an impending understanding, an impending new phase of life. These things come from somewhere way down in a realm of intuition, a realm that is sometimes without words, without description.

I feel an incredibly strong responsibility to discovering the right way to live my life, (if in fact there is a “right” way,) devoting all the energy that
I possibly can to being accountable, responsible, sensitive to the connection that I feel is ever developing, constantly unfolding, between the life of spirit, i.e. God's pure intention, and the my own assimilation of it in my life, and how my actions ultimately reflect the understanding. It is difficult because sometimes I honestly don't know where to put my feet; sometimes the understanding that I had yesterday has already exhausted its relevance and its usefulness, whatever it may have been. I can admit that things have been difficult, financially, emotionally, intellectually and on the level of basic human confidence. Some of these things I have share with friends and others have remained unspoken, but they all are related to some larger picture, some direction of new responsibility and, forgive the term, mission.

I have a profound and firm belief in this sense of mission in my life, however ill defined it may be at the moment. All the events that have transpired in recent times only further confirm my own desires to understand and delineate my place and my responsibility with respect to larger picture. Trouble is, I cannot succinctly define for myself what the larger picture is. My intuition tells me that life on this planet, our gifts and our abilities and our talents, are profoundly essential to those whom we know personally and others more distant -- a thought that I have had for some time, but only we as individuals know the details and the relevance of how they are applied, or how they will continue to affect those that surround us.

I apologize for the fact that my efforts to discover, to understand and to find my place may come across as strange, or distant or somewhat diffracted, but I can only offer that at the moment I am trying, desperately at times, to figure out what all of this means. There is more to be said, much more to be described, defined and shared, and when I have the words I will surely give them, though I hold no expectations of time or space as they relate to my ’getting it’ and I may fall grossly short with the reality of what is and what may be to come. I try to simply accept things as they are, and acknowledge the fact that the cloud I have walked beneath for protracted periods at a time, still lingers above the path.I will write more words, if and when they come. Until that end.

© CiCi Stewart

A Season of Growth

2007-10-12T23:26:00.000-07:00

In New Mexico, you don't need a calendar to know it's the first week of October. The trees tell the story quite well as their leaves change from shades of green to the bright vibrant shades of orange, red and yellow. At the peak of the fall foliage season, it's truly a magnificent sight that draws people from all around to behold the beauty. The season progresses and the leaves fall to the ground one by one where they become nourishment for the grass, flowers and gardens in the spring.

As I spent Sunday collecting some of the fallen leaves with my youngest daughter, I wondered what would happen if a tree stubbornly held onto to its leaves - refusing to let them fall to
ground and nourish the new season that awaits only a few months from now. How would that tree be affected? How would the rest of life be affected? The tree would become burdened by the accumulation of dead leaves it collected each year. Its branches would begin to sag
under the weight of those useless dead leaves. Future growth of the tree would be impossible as it ran out of room for new leaves to bloom in the spring. It would soon lose its beauty as the lifeless brown leaves cluttered its many branches. Eventually the tree
wouldn't look like a tree at all but only a pitiful brown clump waiting to die and fall to the ground from which it once sprang with such vitality and zest for life.

And what about the grass, flowers and gardens that use the fallen leaves as nourishment and further growth in the spring? Certainly there are other sources of sustenance but none as natural and readily available as is provided by the fallen leaves. Instead, they would have to rely heavily on human intervention for their growth and survival - the tree no longer offering its own natural gift of nourishment. The entire circle of life would be burdened by the
refusal of the tree give up that which no longer serves it.

Sometimes we are like that tree. We refuse to give up beliefs and memories that no longer serve us. We hang onto them, preventing our further growth and the growth of others. We
become burdened by the accumulation of useless dead thoughts that should have fallen away long ago to be used as intellectual and spiritual nourishment. If we're not careful, we can become - like the tree - a miserable creature who's lost our vitality and zest for life, eventually living in quiet desperation, refusing to be a natural source of nourishment for the rest of the circle of life.

Spend a few minutes each day this week to think about what beliefs you're holding onto that may be burdening you - thoughts that should have fallen away long ago to nourish yourself and others. Some of them may be very old, dating back to childhood. For me, one of those useless beliefs came from the memory of a day when at 7-years-old I began to believe that people I loved would abandon me. Once I finally let go of that belief, it became a source of further growth for myselfand others.

Try this exercise. Watch a movie of your life. The movie starts with your earliest memory and progresses chronologically through your life up until now. What memories stand out as
painful and what beliefs did you create from those memories? Maybe you remember your own bully or perhaps a time when a parent or guardian was particularly angry toward you.
Maybe you tried to accomplish something and failed in your attempt. Perhaps you still carry the guilt of a wrong you committed against another. Whatever you come up with, write your thoughts in a journal. Write everything that happened in the experience and the useless belief you developed from it. Then ask yourself how you can use the experience to nourish
yourself and others. What can you learn that empowers you and others to experience further growth and learning?

Shed those old limiting beliefs just like the trees shed their leaves in the fall and make ready for the new season of growth that awaits. Send me an email and tell me what belief you're
going to let fall away this week. I'd love to hear from you. Have a great day, week, year…. great life!!!!

It's your life. Create it the way you desire!

And remember….Dream Big!
CiCi